


First Among Equals

by Angottos



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dystopia, Anarchy, Arranged Marriage, F/M, Forced Pregnancy, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-09-15
Packaged: 2018-12-09 20:57:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11676948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angottos/pseuds/Angottos
Summary: “Man is born free, and everywhere he is in chains.”― Jean-Jacques RousseauOnly the best men and women are chosen to repopulate the Earth, after it was torn to pieces by a decade-long war.  Genetics determine everything.(Erwin Smith x Reader)1950's Americana AU!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Feeling uninspired for months led me to sit down one afternoon, take the newly arising cliché of dystopian societies (where couples are forced to canoodle) and take my own spin on it, by writing it in a 1950 - ish time period.  Also, a little homáge to Orwell, perhaps?  I'm not sure myself.
> 
> I just know that I desperately wanted to write something and this came out.  It was a fresh breather from my other works, if nothing else.  
> *Update (12.05.2017): re-wrote some parts of this chapter, because I felt that they didn't flow that well.
> 
> \---  
> I don't own anything but the story.    
>  

**AN:** Before you start reading, I would like to inform you, that this universe has a dystopian, 1950's Americana setting! So imagining poodle skirts, bobby socks and Elizabeth Taylor styled hair is strongly advised!  
\---

After the gruesome Holocene Epoch finally ended, humans found themselves to be a dying species. 

The war that was fought to put a final end to the Epoch, claimed millions of lives;  ridding the planet of most of its populace. And although this was an unignorable fact, scientists and anthropologists were anything but worried.  

”Once the war is over, everything will be as it was,” they stated and you could still remember watching the iconic broadcast on TV as a child.  How the black and white figures smiled as the crowd cheered. How evident the feeling of relief was.  Absurdly enough, that broadcast was one of the most vivid memories of your childhood.

Still, no matter how much they tried to convince everyone, it was beginning to show that they were wrong.  

For after the Epoch ended, the last thing humans were thinking about was having children. People were exhausted; having lost even the willpower to move on.  Natality rates were low, while mortality rates were record high.  Humans were dying out. 

And that was exactly what was repeated to you and your fellow human beings on a daily basis by the notorious Capital, who made it their most important duty to urge humans to procreate.  But not just any humans. 

You see, according to the Capital, only the finest specimen of mankind should be allowed to mate; the ones who are blessed with the best set of genes.  Humans, whom the Capital affectionately refers to as the ’Primuses’. 

They hope to create the most able and competent humans by letting Primus men and women have babies, in order for humankind to survive, for the next generation to be one of the best generations, for them to be the survivors who will then repopulate Earth.  

”What a load of bullshit,” you whispered quietly above your beverage as you tried to tune out the cheery chatter of your fellow Primus women.  Leaning against a wall, you scowled, feeling gradually uneasy. 

In just a few minutes the Ceremony was about to start and your damn drink didn’t ease your nervousness one bit.  No surprise, though, when pretty soon you’ll be paired up with a Primus male – whom you’ve most probably never seen before – and forced to have a child with him. 

Just as the thought crossed you mind, you put your drink aside, noting the way your hands quivered.

’Calm down, (Name),’ you told yourself while crossing your arms, trying to pull yourself together.   ’You should be proud of yourself! You should feel honored that the Capital deemed you good enough to be considered a Primus woman.  You’ll make humankind proud, it’s survival will be achievable because of you!’

But try as you might, it just didn’t work.  Your little pep talk fell flat the moment you remembered the whole forced marriage, forced intimacy and pretty much everything the Capital forced on you.  You let out a shaky breath, starting to feel very dizzy.  

Your eyes swiveled back to the other Primus women, who were in eager discussion about their dresses, their make up and, of course, about their future male companions.  They – unlike you – didn’t seem to be terrified about the whole thing at all. What’s more: they couldn’t wait to finally get out of the room, for the Ceremony to start and to finally meet their partners. 

You must have watched them longer than publicly appropriate, for one of them caught your confused gaze and immediately waltzed up to you. 

”Hey, you’re (Name), right?” she asked to which you nodded, trying to act like you weren’t just glowering at her and her friends.  Though, she didn’t seem to notice, immediately continuing. 

”Just relax, okay? You don’t have to be afraid of anything!”

”Of course,” you nodded with a not – so – convincing smile, making her sigh in exasperation.  

”I mean it!  Haven’t you ever seen a Primus male?” she asked while playfully biting her lip.  You only stared back at her, knowing just well what she meant by that question.  

The stereotype about Primus humans to be exceptionally attractive was not unheard by you.  And it only took you one glance around the room to see it for yourself.  The Capital often used this as a motivation for Primus folk to have sex with each other.  And each and every time, you didn’t know if you should laugh or sneer at this.  

You were wise enough not to speak your own mind about this, though.  And as such, you gave the woman before you another nod and smiled at her with much more convinction.  This time, she must have believed you by the way she smiled back with a gleam in her eyes. 

”See? I knew that would calm you down,” she whispered and turned her head towards the ceiling, continuing with a wistful sigh.  ”I wonder whom I’ll get! I mean, my scores were pretty good, if I do say so myself! I got my highest point for health, so that probably means that I’ll get a just as healthy Primus male.”

She suddenly stopped, not being able to contain her lewd snicker.  ”And we all know what ’health’ refers to in a Primus male...,” she winked, making you glance away with awkwardness. 

”Aww, a shy one, aren’t you? Hey, may I know what you excel at?”

You glanced back at her.  ”I got my highest point in intelligence.” You tried hard not to let it show, that even if you were against the whole Primus Ceremony, you were damn proud to have your brains. 

The woman in front of you hummed in agreement.  ”Hmmm.  You  do  look like a smart one.  And you certainly give the impression of being graceful.  A  Refined Beauty, huh?”

While you pondered quietly about the name you were just given, she continued. ”Boy, I wonder who’ll you end up with...,”  

Just as you were about to suggest to stop talking about this subject, you were interrupted by the other Primus women suddenly getting more and more livelier.  The woman in front of you turned around as well, just as someone stepped in to the room. 

”A pleasant evening to you, ladies,” an older lady greeted us. ”I hope you’re all prepared to meet your soon - to – be  partner, for the Ceremony is about to start.  The moment you leave this room, I want you to behave in an orderly fashion.  Remember: you are the pride of mankind and so you shall act like it.”

You had to force yourself not to roll your eyes at this one. The older lady continued. 

”We will now walk on to the stage, quietly, might I strongly suggest,” she added strictly, eyeing two women not far from her, who were still excitedly whispering to each other.  When they realized she meant them, they immediately stopped.  Pleased, she regained her smile, and went on again.  
   
”The Ceremony should be over in an hour.  After that, we’ll have a little celebration, courtesy of our generous Capital.  I expect you to be there with your soon – to – be partners and enjoy yourselves.”

The Primus women were just about to erupt in cheerful, excited chatter, when the frail features of the elderly lady suddenly turned hard and grim.  
   
”I’m not finished.”

Everyone turned silent.

”If any of you misbehave or if any of you don’t follow my rules, then you will most certainly be going to deal with consequences.”  She left it at that, not elaborating, but sweeping your eyes across the room was enough to see that everyone understood what she meant by that.  Not following her rules meant not following the rules of the Capital, which meant treason against the Capital, which meant treason against mankind.  

Nobody wanted to be labeled as a traitor.  
   
When her warning set the kind of silence she wanted, the old lady smiled for the umpteenth time and motioned to the door.  ”Well then.  I believe I told you everything important, so without further ado, let us start, shall we?”

No one really answered her, but she took our silence as a yes anyway, and opened the door wider.  You were the last one to leave the room.  

Along darkened hallways, you and your fellow Primus women followed the older lady, who was leading you towards something that looked akin to a big Hall.  And sure enough, when you all came out from the hallway, you were met with brown marble tiles and a big, golden chandelier hanging from the ceiling.  

The Hall wasn’t empty either, having been already filled with guests of all kinds, most of them parents and friends of the soon to be paired Primus humans.  You squinted a bit, trying to find your parents among the crowd, but to no avail.

  The giddy, dolled up silhouettes of your fellow Primus women blocked your view, who were much rather craning their neck to catch a glimpse of something right across the Hall. 

Curious, and yet with an already forming hunch at the back of your mind, you moved a bit closer. 

When you caught sight of the group of men dressed in the finest suits and leather shoes standing just across the Hall, your nervousness returned.  
   
That wasn’t the case with the other Primus women.  If anything, their excitement only sky rocketed, now that they were able to see the expectations they would later face. 

”Oooh, look at that one!  Doesn’t he look dapper? I’m sure he got his highest points in health!”

”Hmm, he sure is good looking.  But the way he carries himself... he seems more like a cunning and charismatic person to me.  So maybe intelligence?”

You slightly turned to the women who seemed to single out one particular young man.  When you moved closer to them, you were able to see whom they were talking about. 

The man, who was rapidly gaining the attention of almost every Primus female, was calmly standing on the other side of the Hall, exchanging some short words here and there with his fellow Primus men.

 With his azure eyes and blond locks swept aside, he did look quite charming, that much you were to admit.  Yet even his sharp jawline and well – built figure didn’t get you in the mood for the Ceremony.  If anything, your heart beat faster with fear when you noticed some Primus men glancing your way quite a few times as well.  

Uneasy, you leaped back and hid behind the group, your fellow Primus women being only more than happy to replace your empty place.  That was when the old lady from your group and an equally older gentleman from the group of Primus men emerged.  With confident steps they made their way to a stage, positioned at the end of the Hall.  Their appearance was followed by a grand applause from the guests. 

With a big smile, they both bowed. 

”Dear Fellow Citizens,” started the older gentleman, his raspy voice successfully making everyone shift their attention to him.  ”I officially welcome everyone to our first Primus Ceremony! But first, allow me to introduce ourselves.  I am Hermes,” he started and turned to his companion.

”And I am Hestia,” finished the old lady.  Everyone clapped, welcoming the two.  Hermes continued.

”I hope you’re having a pleasant night, as the Capital made quite the arrangements to make everyone feel home as much as possible!”

You briefly looked around and had to realize that he wasn’t lying.  Every table was set with the finest desserts, toppled with beverages, ranging from non – alcoholic to alcoholic ones.  The seats were cushioned with silk and the group of jazz players standing idly in a somewhat dimly lit corner didn’t look any cheaper.  

”But to get to the point as quick as possible,” continued Hermes. ”We all know our history very well.  About the Holocene Epoch and about the war and how it nearly killed off more than 50% of our population.”

Here, Hermes stopped for a fraction, as if he himself remembered something.  But the moment only lasted so much as he immediately went on, forcing back his smile.

”But I am proud to announce that the Capital managed to come up with a brilliant plan to save humankind  It managed to pick out the finest humans for this project.  No surprise there, though.  One would think that’s all the Capital does; it’s Regent playing matchmaker.”

A wave of chuckle swept through the crowd, mixed with both polite and genuine laughter. 

”Haha, I’m just kidding of course,” came the reassurance from the old gentleman, followed by yet another chuckle. ”Our Capital works very hard to protect us and provide us with the best we deserve.  Long shall live the Regent.”

”Long shall live the Regent,” imitated every single person in the Hall.  You had to as well.  

”But I don’t want to waste our time any longer than necessary.  We’ve all been waiting for this night long enough. Without me stealing the spotlight anymore, let the pairing begin!”

Your heart trembled in fear as everyone else burst out in cheers and applauds, obviously very eager to see the whole Ceremony.  The microphone was then passed on to Hestia.  With nimble fingers she opened an envelope, and started reading the names written on a letter. 

”First, we have the lovely Miss Piotrowski,” she started and the woman next to you immediately gasped with joy and surprise, raising both of her hands to her mouth before leaving your group and walking on to the stage, followed by the clap of the guests. 

”Miss Piotrowski’s immune system is simply excellent!,” started Hestia, her eyes glued to the letter as she read the girl’s stats aloud.  ”Would you look at that!  She was never once ill in her entire lifetime!”

A sound of awe resonated throughout the Hall and even you couldn’t suppress a nod of acknowledgment. 

”Miss Piotrowski’s partner is  - ”

You tuned out her voice, as the women in front of you continued with their quiet whispers, taking your attention away from the older lady, but not before catching the sight of the young Primus male joining Miss Piotrowski.  He apparently had a photogenic memory. 

Turning back afore, you noticed the women in front of you still raving about that mysterious blond man.  

”Wasn’t he some big shot student  in university?”

”Yeah, now that you mention it.  I think the Capital noticed him when he was only a freshman!”

What unnerved you to no end (besides their chattering) was the fact that the more they talked about him, the more he seemed familiar.  You allowed yourself to steal a glance or two at him, and you couldn’t help but think that you already saw him somewhere before.  At the same time, you tried to deny this as well. 

Slowly, as the Ceremony went on, the Primus men and women were dwindling in numbers; most of them already paired up with one another and standing in a well behaved manner before the stage. 

As the women from your group were  called on stage, their chatter vanished with them too.  When at last, you heard your name being called.  

”...Now,  Miss (Lastname),” started Hestia, about to praise your biological attributes. ”She has a mind sharper than any blade! That is also getting clear by the numerous academic accomplishments she had.”

All eyes were on you, as you left the remaining Primus women and stepped on to the stage.

 You could especially feel the eyes of the Primus men following you, as they took in your neatly made hair and black bodice that managed to enhance your waist and push out your breasts just enough to be in the boundaries of modesty. 

You tried to smile, but your nerves were acting up, now that you were actually in the spotlight. It was especially hard to maintain your calm when it was only seconds until your partner was to be announced.  You held your breath. 

”The Regent decided that Miss (Lastname’s) perfect partner would be none other than - ”

Just as your future partner’s name was announced, you caught the other Primus women from the corner of your vision gaping at you with utter disbelief.  You yourself were quite flabbergasted as well, when you saw the blond gentleman calmly stepping away from the group of his fellow companions and making his way on to the stage, right next to you. 

”Erwin Smith, ladies and gentleman, is one interesting fellow,” started Hestia.  ”Perhaps a bit manipulative, all thanks to his excellent rhetorical skills.  He is very gifted in chess, too.”

You almost had to snort.  Good at chess and good at persuading people to believe his point of view.  Really? That was enough reason to pick him to be a Primus? 

Even so, you fought hard to hide your rosy cheeks, especially since the guests glanced at you with a knowing smile and snicker.  This was so embarassing.  
   
Your partner, however, wasn’t fazed in the least as he held out his arm for you when Hestia finished praising the both of you.  Hesitantly, you accepted; wishing to get out of the public’s eye as soon as possible. 

\---

Soft jazz music began to play, gently resonating around the big, fancy hall.  The members of the band, who were as of now hidden in the corner, finally got their time to shine. 

When even the last Primus pair was announced, it was time for a slow waltz, which involved a  sensual dance of the chosen pair, to serve as some sort of corny symbolism.  This is how you found yourself slowly swaying with Erwin Smith, somehow trying to hide behind his form from the curious onlookers, yet also wanting to keep your distance from him.  

And while he had most probably sensed your discomfort, he still held his hand just above your waist, while firmly craddling your hand in his other.  At least his hand didn’t wander anywhere south and remained respectfully at your side; that much you gave him.  

Still, even in this position it was clear that you two must have looked like quite the rigid pair.  You furtively glanced around, curious to see how the other couples were doing, only to see that they fared much, much better. 

You caught a handful of women comfortably leaning their head against the shoulder of their male partner, swaying there with closed eyes and a blissful smile, while some other men already had the audacity to whisper in to their female counterparts’ ear.  You weren’t sure what exactly, but the way the women started quietly giggling and blushing made you assume that it was something coquettish.  

Your lips pressed in to a thin line, your features hidden behind the broad shouldered form of Erwin Smith.  Were you and him supposed to be acting this cozy with each other as well?

Getting nervous by the minute, you kept looking around for a dancing pair that were just as somewhat reserved as you and Erwin.  But no matter were you looked, every pair was at least somewhat getting friendly with each other, while you and your partner haven’t even so much as uttered a word to each other. 

This made you worry.  What if the audience, or worse, Hermes or Hestia would notice something.  Would they report you to the Capital for something petty like this? Before you even realized it, your breathing became shallow.  
   
”Hey,” called a deep and pleasant voice from just beside your earlobe, the sudden proximity of Erwin Smith’s mouth to your ear rendering your speechless. 

”I know you’re nervous, Miss (Lastname), but I assure you, there’s nothing to be worried about.  The audience has long lost their interest in us and the hosts aren’t even present.”

You listened to him, still too flabbergasted to look up in to his eyes.  Instead you wanted to make sure that he told you the truth, but with only one glance at the people surrouding you was enough to see that he was right.  The guests, whom you thought were all intently watching your every move, were too busy tasting the finest of alcoholic beverages.  Glancing back to the stage, you searched for the hosts, but true to Erwin’s words, they were no where to be found. 

You let out a sigh of relief.  ...And almost immediately thought about how you should let Erwin know that you were grateful for his encouraging words.  

”I wasn’t nervous.”

...Well.  At least you told him this without any spite. You could hear him smile.  ”You’re most welcome.”

Somehow you found his deep voice to be really pleasant.  He had a nice smell, too, you found yourself thinking, but stopped right there, not letting your thoughts further wander about. 

When at last, the music stopped.  The other Primus couples stopped dancing and thanked their partner – the men with a slight bow, the women with a curtsy.

 You curtsied as well and even dared to look in to the azure eyes of Erwin Smith, not wanting to look completely ungrateful.  

He held your gaze and that was the first time you two had proper eye contact.   It didn’t last long, though, as you almost instantly tore your gaze away from his, and thus missing the faint ghost of a smile on his lips as a reaction to your shy demeanor.  

”(Name!)”

You immediately turned around.  ”Mother?”

And sure enough, you saw your mother and father emerge from the audience, walking towards you with big, prideful smiles. 

”Ooh, look at my daughter – a Primus woman!” she cooed as she hugged you close to her.  You hugged her back, albeit not as firmly as she did.  ”Mother, please,” you laughed a bit embarassed, casting a helpless look at your father.  
   
”She is hopeless when it comes to this matter, (Name), and you know that.  I am afraid I can’t help you with this.”

Your mother tore herself away from you and sharply turned around to your father.  ”Oh, I am the hopeless one? Who was the one who raved about our Primus daughter yesterday to Old Bill and Jackson?” 

She turned back afore, imitating your father.  ”Ayy, lads!  I knew she’d be a Primus! That’s what happens when you get some DNA from good ol’ me! HAH!”

You couldn’t help but giggle and even your father couldn’t help but surpress a snicker.  ”Alright, woman, we’ll talk about this later when we get home.”

Then he turned to you and hugged you.  ”Congratulations, sweetheart.”

”Thank you, father,” you replied.  Your parents weren’t aware how uneasy the whole thing made you.  You did not have the heart to tell them, seeing how proud they were of you.  After all, families with a Primus child were praised and respected.  The Capital gave them some privileges, too. 

Your father turned to Erwin and your uneasiness was replaced by curiousity.  What in heavens does he have to say to him? 

”Mr. Smith,” he started and shook hands with him.  ”I am more than glad that my daughter was paired up with you.  I haven’t met a finer young lad than you.”

Your mother voiced her agreement as well, looking at Erwin with utmost awe and admiration.    
”Well, to be honest myself,” started Erwin slowly, ”I am quite pleased with this arrangement as well.”

You could feel him cast a glance at you, but you pretended not noticing it and instead opted to act as if you were looking around for familiar faces.  All the while you heard your parents laugh.  
”I’m sure your parents would be very proud of you as well.  They were such a perfect little couple.  We even knew your father.  I have yet to meet a teacher as great as he was.”

You heard him thank politely and your interest was starting to get piqued again.  You didn’t know he was orphaned.  The next minutes went by with your parents asking some questions about Erwin’s well being, which he all answered with tepid politeness.  
   
”And how’s work going? Do your clients behave?” asked your father with a chuckle.  
   
”Well, I certainly can’t complain...”

Ah.  You almost forgot that he was some quite influential lawyer; a big shot in the city.  You were starting to question if the Regent had maybe made some mistake in his matchmaking.  Not that you with your job as a surgeon didn’t earn just as much of an income and respect from your environment as he, but somehow this fact only added to your aggravation. 

When the pleasant chit – chat between him and your parents were slowly coming to an end, a chauffeur dressed in the deep burgundy colors of the Regent suddenly appeared.  
   
”Mr. Smith,” he called for Erwin’s attention, who immediately gave it to him.  ”Yes?”

”I just wanted to inform you that the car is prepared and ready to head off.”

You and Erwin both glanced at him with clear confusion on your faces.  ”Car?” you asked quietly.  
   
”Oh, uh - ” Erwin started, ” – thank you, but I can drive Miss (Lastname) and myself home.”

The chaffeur was having none of it.  ”Pardon me, sir, but this ride is a gift from the Capital.  It would be horribly rude to decline, If you know what I mean.”

The sinister undertone by the end of his sentence was evident and even your parents froze, clearly not understanding why this was such a big deal.  Good, you thought to yourself, maybe now they will notice that this whole ordeal stinks to high heavens. 

Erwin, being the charismatic man he is, quickly managed to diffuse the situation.  With a charming smile, he answered.   ”That was not my intention at all.  If it’s a gift from the Regent,  then I can certainly only say yes.”

Hearing this, the chaffeur returned his polite smile, preferring this answer much better.  ”A wise decision, Mr. Smith.”

Then he was already turning around, but before doing so he leaped back once more.  ”Oh, and if I may advise you for one more thing, Mr. Smith...?”

Erwin nodded.  ”Yes, what is it?”

The chauffeur looked at him straight in the eyes.  ”From now on you should address Miss (Lastname) as _Mrs. Smith_.”  
   
Then he left, just like that, leaving Erwin and you staring at his retreating figure with quite the shock.  What in the...

An awkward pause followed, with everyone trying to digest what just happened. Your parents shared a worried glance as well. 

”W – well, I’m sure he meant well.  So you two could go home and have some rest.”

”And he is kinda right about her name...,” added your father quietly, glancing down as something thoughtful glazed over his eyes.  He missed the heartbroken look you shot him.

 Even after witnessing the chauffeurs oddly spiteful behavior, their trust in the Regent didn’t waver.  They were too afraid to do otherwise, either way. 

Not wanting to let the driver wait, you bid goodbye to your parents. Your mother hugged you firmly to her shorter figure, with a whisper wishing you all the best.  Your father did the same.  
   
\--- 

The burgundy cushioned seat underneath your fingers were silky soft, though the atmosphere in the car made it unable for you to enjoy it.  Thus you were only left with the option to look outside the window, and watch the night scenery of your town whiz by. 

Erwin was sitting beside you – not too close, yet not too far either – and did the same as you; his eyes tracing the outside world.  As he did so, you managed to steal a glance at him from the corner of your eyes.

 And to your somewhat mild surprise, he looked quite drained.  Fatigued, even.  Maybe because you both were sitting in the dimly lit backseat or  maybe because you were observing him from the side, but he looked nothing like he did before on the Ceremony. 

His trademark charm vanished with his smile and the bright street lights illuminated the hidden creases on his squarish face.  Yet even so, he looked quite good looking and for some reason that still left you restless and irritated.  

You must have somewhat conveyed this thought on your face, because you suddenly noticed the chaffeur briefly taking his eyes off of the road and watching you trough the driving mirror hanging above his head.  Feeling caught, you sent him an uncertain smile to which he redirected his gaze back to the road. 

’This is bad,’ you thought to yourself, feeling your panic rise again.  You knew why the chauffeur insisted on driving you both home.  In your current situation, he was the Regent’s eye observing and analyzing everything, so he could later report every and any suspicious activity to the Capital.  He must have noticed that the relationship between Erwin and you was far from what the Capital expects from Primus partners.  

You fiddled with the hem of your skirt.  Would he report your somewhat obvious grimace to the Capital?  What would happen to you then?  To your family? 

Just as your thoughts were about to deteriorate, Erwin suddenly spoke, making you flinch with surprise. 

”So, Dear,” he started, and you had to hold yourself back from spluttering at what he just called you.  ”Did you enjoy the night?”

He gave you a friendly smile before snaking his hand to yours and giving it a gentle squeeze.  You stared at him aghast, before looking back to the driver's mirror.  The chauffeur was now watching Erwin.

 Quickly realizing what he was trying to do, you smiled back at him and nodded.  

”Yes, Dear.” _Oh god, why._  ”I certainly did.”

”I’m glad, then.  I was worried that it might tire you out,” he said, and the way he said his last sentence made it actually sound like he really meant it.  You kept your smile.

”You’re really sweet, but you don’t have to worry.  I’m perfectly fine.”

You returned the squeeze on his hand.  The chauffeur’s eyes were back on the road. 

\---

Later, when the Capital’s driver dropped you two off in front of your new house, he regarded you with some last words behind his window.  

”I hope the new house will be to your liking.  The Regent made quite the arrangements to find the best one.”

”We will most definitely like it,” countered Erwin professionally, and you had to admit with a subtle glance behind you, that the house looked indeed very beautiful.  When the chauffeur addressed you next, you snapped your head back to him.  

”Yes?”

”Your parents will be taken care of.  As parents of a Primus child, they will get their fair share of financial security, provided by the Capital.”

You thanked him quietly.  Thus, with a last sharp look directed to you and Erwin, he drove off.  You two stood there for a while, watching the black car drive off, until it vanished from your sight. 

You took that as your cue to turn around and enter the house.  Just as you were turning the door knob, you heard Erwin from behind you catch up, with his expensive shoes clicking against the concrete tiles.

  He followed you silently in to the house, even closing the door behind him.  You feeling positively awkward, didn’t know what to do, now that you two were alone in this quite, albeit really pleasant looking house.  So you decided to take a look around. 

A smile crept up your face when you saw the kitchen and living room with their lovely furniture and decorations.  However, that smile faded when you got to the bedroom.  It was just as nice as the other rooms, but when you thought of what use this particular room would have in the very near future, it actually made you want to abandon the whole house.  You didn’t even dare to step inside.  Not when Erwin was still somewhere behind you.  You felt way too vulnerable like this.  He could easily trap you here inside if he wanted to. 

Just as on cue, the sounds of approaching shoes hit your ears making you stand still in the doorway.  As Erwin went to stand next to you, he looked inside the bedroom. 

”Quite nice.  Just like the rest of the house.  The chaffuer didn’t lie when he said that the Regent did it’s best to give us a nice home.”  Then his fair eyes swiveled to you. 

”Why don’t we get inside?”

You shot him a cold glare.  ”I’d rather much stand here, thank you.”

He looked at you a bit surprised, before stepping hesitantly inside and taking a look around.  You gazed around from the doorway.  The walls had a nice taupé color and the floor was covered with warm brown wood palettes.  A big window, almost reaching the floor, was adorned with white lace curtains.  And on the center of the room, was a queen – sized bed. 

You gulped as you saw the blood red covers.  However, something else caught your eyes as well.  Something – a fabric of some sorts – was laying on the bed.  You squinted, trying to see from the door what it was, but you didn’t manage.

 Biting your lip in frustration, you dared a quick glance at Erwin, who didn’t seem to notice the article, currently looking outside the window, admiring the view. 

Thus, with a determined look, you stepped inside and went closer to the bed.  And you almost wished you didn’t.  

Erwin immediately turned around at the sound of you suddenly giving out a loud gasp. 

He saw you standing before the bed and burying your face in to your hands.  

”Miss (Lastname)?” he asked, shocked and genuinely worried for you.  Daring a step closer to you, he inquired.  ”What’s the matter?” 

”Oooh, I can’t take this anymore!” you shouted in to your hands, clumsily pointing to the bed.

 Erwin stared confused at you, before glancing to the very thing that made you react this way.  His blue eyes widened. 

On the bed was a little bundle of package, consisting mainly of clothes.  Baby clothes. 

Realization dawned upon him, and he stood rooted to his spot, watching as you turned around, facing away from him.  It was obvious that you were crying, by the way your shoulders gently shook and by the muffled sounds of sobbing that escaped your mouth.  The sight made his heart ache.  

Before he could muster some words of encouragements, you suddenly stopped crying and asked him in the coldest voice he has ever heard you speaking.  "How much time did they give us?”

He knew you were referring to the deadline you two were given. 

He combed his hair back and sighed.  ”6 months.” His eyes traced your figure and watched as your body trembled slightly.  You tried to pull yourself together, but it was getting harder and harder for you.  With an audible sigh, you wiped away your tears and turned back around, facing your partner. 

”So, what now? Do they simply expect from us to lay down and - ” 

You were unable to finish the sentence, feeling too awkward.  Erwin exhaled from his nose, and turned around, sitting down in a couch that was positioned in the corner of the room.  As he quite literally let himself fall in to the couch, some strands of his hair let themselves loose on his forehead, while he let his head fall back on the upholstery.  

He sat like that for a while, before speaking again.  ”You would be quite surprised how many things the Capital expects from us, Miss (Lastname).”

He closed his eyes, and you forgot your gaze on him.  You noticed his strong neck as he was exposing it by sitting like that.  Again, you were reminded that Erwin Smith was exactly what society would define as a ’Perfect Man’.

The thought made you look away, accidentally redirecting your gaze to the baby clothes, making you cringe.  No matter how perfect he was, you couldn’t just sleep with him.  Doing something so intimate with a stranger made you feel terrible, no matter how perfect they were.  The whole thing made you so mad. 

”Then they are the lowest of scum,” you seethed, making Erwin re – open his eyes.  
   
”Be careful, Miss (Lastname). Thoughts like that will get you arrested.”

”I don’t care anymore!” You suddenly shouted, spacing back and forth with growing uneasiness.  The whole thing was starting to show on you.  Erwin sat up a bit, taken aback by your sudden outburst.    
”We are not some cattle that they can breed like animals! We are human beings, with rights to choose how we should live our lives!”

You stopped in your tracks, turning to him.  "This is so disgusting! I can’t believe how many people agree to this, how we are actually taught to be proud of this! I am so furious, I don’t even care what happens to me anymore! I’d rather get arrested and executed, than to be put trough this humiliation!”

You cried, not holding back tears.  Erwin stood up and immediately stepped to your side.  "Miss (Lastname), please!  Pull yourself together!”

”NO!” you shouted at him, stepping back when he tried to embrace you.  ”Don’t you dare touch me!  And don’t you dare act like you aren’t part of this problem! You are only reaping the benefits of this system! You are not the one getting violated by this whole goddamn abomination...!”

By now you were in hysterics, hiccuping and messily trying to wipe away your tears.  Erwin only stood there in utmost shock, waiting for you to calm down, unsure how he should console you.  After a while though, your sobbing and hiccups eventually died down to whimpers and you finally allowed yourself to sit down on the bed, too exhausted to stand anymore.  And by the looks of it, too exhausted to care anymore.  
   
Erwin watched as you hugged yourself, your gaze set to the floor, your face hidden by your hair.  Like a statue, you just sat there looking dead ahead.  
   
”Miss (Lastname),” he started carefully, picking his most gentle tone of voice.  ”I would be lying if I told you that I know how you feel, because I don’t.  I can only imagine, but that’s not enough of course.”

He waited some more, but when he saw you listening to him, he continued.  ”I think you have every right to be furious.  But please, think of your parents.”

He saw you raise your gaze tad bit higher.  ”If you give yourself up, your parent’s will also get hunted down, arrested and executed.  And even if they won’t, society will deem your arrest and execution as a disgrace and they will make sure to let your parents know about this.  They will be branded as parents of a child who turned out to be a traitor.”

After that, you didn’t react.  Only sat there in utter silence, getting to the realization that Erwin was right.  Only making you feel more helpless.  You wished you could just stop existing right then and there.  But then ...Erwin uttered something quietly. 

”Trust me, I know.”

You snapped your head up, confused.  Looking at Erwin, you saw him casting his eyes downwards,  looking at the tiles under him with stormy blue eyes.  His vague sentence repeated itself in your head, before you suddenly remembered your parents congratulating Erwin.  And his deceased parents. 

...Oh. 

”So...,” you croaked out, a shred of hope blossoming inside of you, ”you disagree with this as well?”

Erwin let out yet another sigh and went back to sit down on the couch.  Just like before, he rested his head back and closed his eyes.

 ”Well, to be honest,” he started. ”The thought of having sex with a Primus woman is not a thought that I abhor, if anything. But only with her consent, of course,” he stated firmly, opening his eyes and looking over to you. 

You held his gaze, while contemplating about the things he said.  Somehow, hearing him say this somewhat made you relieved.  ”So you won’t harm me?”

”I’m not going to force myself on you, Miss (Lastname).  That would be downright vile of me to do so,” Erwin said with a grim voice, making sure you understood him well enough.

 At this, you let out a relieved sigh, letting yourself loose.  ”Thank Heavens,” you whispered quietly to yourself.  
   
”Although..,” he continued, and you wondered if you spoke too soon. ”...I do have to get you pregnant somehow. Preferably before the 6 month deadline is over.”

At this you groaned, standing up.  ”Couldn’t we just trick them somehow?”

Erwin cocked an eyebrow.  ”What do you mean?”

”Well, I don’t know,” you shrugged, ”maybe get myself pregnant artificially or something? We could take samples of your... uh, you know,” your voice died down a bit, before regaining it’s strength.

 ” - and get it inside of me with the help of some surgery.”

You watched Erwin raise a hand to his chin, and the fact that he actually contemplated your idea managed to calm you down even more.  ”Quite the idea,” he started.  ”But I’m afraid we will be heavily monitored from now on.  In order for this to be a safe procedure, you would have to reside in a hospital for a greater amount of time, which I’m afraid will awake unwanted attention.”

You bit your lip.  ”Then how about we adopt a child?”

”No good, either.  They will take a DNA test on it, and see if it’s really ours.”

You grew quiet, not getting any other ideas.  ”...So, we really have to do this?”

Erwin only back. ”Does the thought of you having to get intimate with me disgust you that much, Miss (Lastname)?”

Wide eyed, you could only snap your gaze back to him.  For a moment, you didn’t even know what to say.

 ”This isn’t about that at all!” you countered, getting angry again.  ”I have nothing against you, Mr. Smith.  But I am practically forced to do this with you, without anyone asking me if I want to!  God, you really don’t understand why I’m upset, do you?!” 

He immediately raised his hands and apologized.  ”You’re right, I am sorry.”

Then he added.  ”But, if the prognosis about my being is right, then we would have to do ...this particular activity only once,” he started again, carefully selecting his words.  Which managed to peak your interest again. 

”What do you mean?”

”It’s a more private information, but when I was chosen as a Primus, the Capital said that my virility is top notch.  If that’s true, then it would only require us one night for the...,” he didn’t finish his sentence and so he rephrased it.  ”For it to work, I mean.”

You looked in to his eyes, searching for any signs of mirth, but you didn’t find any.  Erwin noticed your analyzing glare and immediately jumped to his safety.

 ”Look, Miss (Lastname),” he started, again with the most calming voice he could ever muster.

 ”If you could just endure one night with me... that would be most probably enough.  Once you feel ready, we just..., get it done and then we will never speak of it again.  If anything, the moment you get pregnant, we won’t have to be together anymore.”

That’s true.  You remembered, how Hestia explained to you, that this Primus marriage of sorts was only beneficial until the moment of pregnancy and the birth of the Primus child.  After that, Primus couples were separated and the child taken into custody by the Capital.  

So, you would just have to endure 6 months and one uncomfortable night.  
   
You took a moment to quickly examine Erwin from head to toe.  He did seem virile enough...  So, maybe he was right.  Maybe it really only required so much.  
   
Again, you tried to think about your parents and how good they will have it.  You tried to think about the life you will have once this is over.  Just 6 months, and then you will be free.

...And so, with a sigh, you gave in. 

”All right.”

Feeling heavy, you let yourself fall on to the bed.  By doing so, your hand touched the little package of clothes, which you almost forgot about.  You let your eyes rest on it, before eventually deciding  to open it. 

It’s content didn’t come as a big surprise, seeing how the package was only consisting of neatly folded baby clothes, tied together in a ribbon.  Still after carefully undoing it, you were surprised to find much more then you were expecting.

 Unbeknownst to you, Erwin was watching you from the corner of his eyes, as you were busy with inspecting the baby clothes and baby shoes.  
   
Even if the whole ordeal scared you, they sure knew how to arrange an impressive package.  They even put in diapers and a nipple.  Though, your faint smile lasted only so long, as you were reminded why exactly you are holding this particular package. 

Softly exhaling trough your nose, you folded everything back and tied it up with the ribbon; slowly making your way to one of the dressers to put it away.  You wouldn’t need them for a good while, anyway.  
   
With a somber look, you watched as the bundle of clothes vanished beneath brown wood.  
Just as you were done with that, you heard Erwin stand up from the couch.

 Ignoring it, you lingered a bit more at the dresser, when all of a sudden you heard the rustle of clothing. With wide, fearful eyes you turned around to see Erwin casually loosening his tie and about to take off his button up shirt. 

”What in Heavens do you think you’re doing?!” you shouted at him, and he, not anticipating your sudden outburst, dropped his tie in surprise, while staring back at you with wide eyed confusion.  
   
”I ...uh,” he stammered, reaching for his tie on the floor.  "Getting ready for the night?”

”Oh, don’t you even dare,” you started with a low threatening voice.  ”You won’t be sleeping here! You hear me?”

Erwin looked even more flabbergasted.  ”W – wha, but why?”

”Mr. Smith, with all due respect, I am not going to share a bed with you.”

After your firm statement, realization dawned upon him. ”Miss, do you really think I would do you harm if you did so?” he asked with genuine worry, his eyebrows angling upwards and his blue eyes reflecting sorrow and even a tint of hurt. 

You, however, didn’t reply, and kept staring stubbornly back at him. 

He in turn, raked his hand trough his hair with a sigh and nodded.  ”Very well.  I will be sleeping in the living room.”

He saw the ease on your face and with that he made his way outside of the room.  He jumped slightly, when the door behind him got shut with more force than necessary, before shaking his head and continuing on his way.  

”First day and she is already making me sleep on the couch,” he grumbled under his breath the moment he stepped inside the living room.  Still, even after all of this, he was extremely glad that he got paired up with you.  As much as he had his own opinion about the whole Primus thing,  you were the most reasonable woman he had ever met. 

He got undressed, before he noticed something. Among granny – crocheted pillows and lace covered upholsteries, he realized that there were no blankets around him.

”Shit,” he whispered in the darkness. 

Scratching his head, he contemplated what to do.  Going back to the bedroom would probably cost him his life, so that was out of the question.  He searched around and under the bed, to see if he had any luck finding something that would serve as his blanket, but he didn’t find anything. 

Thus, Erwin Smith, one of the prime examples of how a man should look and act, fell back on the couch with a quiet sigh and tried to sleep.  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Trigger warning - attempted suicide! Just a heads up if content like this makes you uncomfortable.

You had a good night’s rest. Well, as good as it could get, considering your circumstances. 

The soft bed undoubtedly assisted you into unconsciousness, and for a moment you willfully ignored the fact that this particular furniture – along with the whole house - came from the Capital. You were asleep in mere minutes. 

Then the next day you awoke with a satisfied huff. Shut-eyed, you buried your nose into the pillow below you. You noted its pleasant, soap-like scent and enjoyed the warmth of your sheets in which you entangled yourself in. Something seemed to be off about them, but they were certainly cozy, all the same. A strong sense of somnolence was beckoning to you, and you felt a shift in consciousness, yet you remained half-awake.

Upon realizing that you couldn’t fall back asleep, you groaned. 

What time is it anyway...? The urge to open your eyes and see for yourself was scarcely there, but you knew you couldn’t lay in bed forever. Even though that’s exactly what you wished to do right now: to just spend your whole day in bed, and damn the Regent and his mother if anyone had a problem with this impromptu choice of yours. 

’Mom and Dad surely won’t mind,’ you thought. ’Especially after yesterday’s ordeal. With all that standing and dancing involved, it’s a wonder my legs didn’t fall off.’

Wait. Something about that thought made you slightly wrinkle your eyebrows. Something persuasive enough to open your weary eyes. 

A cream colored ceiling was the first thing that greeted you from up above, followed by white lace-curtains, albeit the latter only managed to peek in from the corner of your eyes. For a solid five seconds you just stared ahead, your mind being too muddled to make sense of what your eyes were seeing.

Heart beating in your throat, you sat up in your bed, all of a sudden feeling very lost and disoriented. Though, your environment did seem somehow familiar, you had to realize that you weren’t in your parents’ house. Before you could question your whereabouts, your mind recalled everything that happened last night. 

The Regent. The Program. _The Ceremony._

A strange, pityful sound escaped your throat. Fatigue - another kind of fatigue - engulfed your being; reaching after you from last night, as if your deep slumber only served as some sort of unspoken truce between you two until morning came. With a sinking feeling in your heart, you helplessly buried your face into your palms. 

Well, truce be damned. You’d have rather never woken up in the first place. 

’Yes, that’s right,’ you thought to yourself. ’An eternal sleep is something I’d like very much right now. To just cozy back into my sheets, fall asleep and never wake up again.’ 

This particular thought of yours was followed by another, more sinister one, but you tried to repress it as much as you could. Shaking your head, you let your hands fall to your lap. 

”There’s not much of a chance of _that_ happening, anyway,” you mumbled under your breath. ”I’m too much of a coward to do it.”

Another helpless sigh. Another stare ahead. Come to think of it, a good cry would have just as much helped alleviate your current emotional state. Could people drown in their own tears...? You deeply hoped it was possible. Looking around once more, your eyes fell to the spot next to you, recalling the memory of you shooing away a certain tall blond.

’I wonder if he’s awake,’ you mused to yourself. He certainly seemed like an early bird, but you didn’t hear anything from outside. As a matter of fact, the whole house seemed suspiciously quiet. How odd. The idea of you leaving the bedroom gnawed at your mind, yet at the same time you felt nervous doing so. Silly as it was, the thought of facing Erwin again was something that made you feel restless. 

What would you say to him if he was awake? Just casually say ’good morning’ and pretend yesterday didn’t happen...? 

Biting your lower lip, you gingerly shifted your legs to the carpeted floor. As you tip-toed your way to the door, you briefly faltered and took a gander southwards. The lacy nightgown you were wearing reached to your feet and had a lovely cream color. And one could have even called it modest, if it weren’t for the low-cut design on the front giving quite a view of your décoletté.

You didn’t think much of it yesterday night, when you found it in one of your drawers (since your stuff was still at your parents’ house), but now you deemed it too revealing. 

’It wouldn’t be if he were my _actual_ husband, which he is not,’ you reminded yourself. 

Turning around, you hastily opened one of the drawers and found an article of clothing that could pass as a night robe. After slipping it on, you grabbed the doorknob.

Peeking out from the bedroom door, you made sure no one was in the hallway, before skipping out. With light steps, you made your way to the living room, tightly clutching your robe to your form as its end billowed softly with each step behind you. Reaching the arch that led to the living room, you looked inside and searched for Erwin. 

The couch was empty. 

A somewhat shaky sigh escaped your parted lips and you closed your eyes in gratitude. You had no idea where he was, but he wasn’t home as it seems, and that was all you needed to know. Stepping inside, you took a closer look at where he slept. One of the pillows from the armchair was positioned against its armrest and the noticeable dent in it reminded you that he must have left not long before you came in. 

Other than that, there was no real sign that he slept here. 

Then, a sudden realization dawned upon you - he had no covers, nor any sheets! That must mean that he spent the night on the couch, sleeping in nothing but his suit that he wore on the Ceremony yesterday. ...That, or he slept in his underwear. 

You tiredly brushed a lock of hair out of your face. 

’I should have at least given him a proper pillow, before ordering him to leave,’ you berated yourself. As you pondered about this, the question of his whereabouts returned again. 

Really... just where is he?

For the last time that day, you mindlessly looked around the living room, silently taking in it’s interior. You already did this last night, but seeing the room in natural daylight was even better. The homely painted green walls seemed much more friendlier now, and the obscured squarish looking object in the corner (something that you just couldn’t identify yesterday) was now visible as well. Quite impressed, you let your eyes take in its dark brown frame. 

A Philco Television, huh...? Talk about luxury. The one in your parents’ house looked shabbier than this one. Must be a new model. 

A few seconds passed, before something caught your eye that was hanging above the TV. It was a clock, merrily ticking away. Narrowing your eyes, you noticed that it was 9:25 AM. 

_...Wait a minute!_

With wide eyes, you suddenly whipped your head back to the couch where Erwin presumably slept last night, and it suddenly dawned on you where he was. 

At work. He was working. He had work to do. He was a lawyer, with clients that needed him to handle their various juridical mishaps. You wondered if he went to work in his formal tuxedo, since he could have under no possibilities snuck in to your bedroom and search for work appropriate clothes in the dresser. ...Or could he?

Shaking your head, you blocked your paranoid thoughts. There is no way... No, definitely no. However, this thought was immediately drowned out by another realization that made you pale in utter despair. 

Work...! _You_ also had work! 

”Oh my god - !” you breathed in shock, turning back to the clock on the wall. You were roughly _three hours_ late from work. 

”Oh, please no!” you whined to the ceiling, not believing your eyes, before breaking out into a sprint and back to your bedroom. You roughly grabbed your drawer and completely pulled it out, shaking all of its content on the floor. 

Variously colored dresses flopped to the floor with a soft whisper, as your hands frantically searched for something that was fit for a surgeon to wear. Thank Heavens, you found a light blue shirtwaist dress. It was a bit crumpled, due to your rough manhandling, but it fit you well and nicely accentuated your waist and shoulders.

Not bothering with picking up and folding the other clothes, you turned around and left them – along with the drawer- discarded on the floor, quickly making your way to the bathroom. 

A grimace pulled your face when you saw yourself in the mirror. 

Hair strands messily flying in every possible direction, your hair looked akin to a bird’s nest. Since there was no time for you to curl them last night (your hair rollers were forgotten home!), you simply grabbed some pins from your reticule and made a half-assed attempt to loosely pin some strands back. 

Then you immediately swooped down and splashed water in to your face, brushed your teeth and decided to go bare face. ’I’m too late to bother with makeup, anyway!’

Giving yourself one last glance, you left the bathroom, grabbed your elegant coat from last night (which now looked a bit miss-matched with your casual dress) and left the house with your heart beating in your chest. 

\---

The moment you stepped in to the hospital, you heard your name being called. 

”(Name)!”

You turned around and saw Hanji Zoë – one of your trusted colleague – making her way towards you. Clear-cut worry was displayed on her face, which was quite a bizarre sight, seeing as the brunette always managed to be cheerful, no matter the setting. You turned towards her, ready to apologize, when she grabbed your arm and pulled you in to one of the quieter corridors. 

”Is everything all right?” she asked while intently analyzing your face, searching for sings of illness. ”We were so worried, when you didn’t show up on time. Did something happen?” 

Her last question carried an ambiguous meaning; one that didn’t escape you. Rumor must have gone around, that last night you and Erwin were chauffeured home by one of the Regent’s agent. She and the others must have thought that you two were executed along the way. It was known to happen, even if it was rare. 

You raised your hands, in order to reassure her that everything was fine. ...Well, considering the circumstances. 

”No, don’t worry - I just slept in. Yesterday tired me out to no end, I guess.”

She rested her gaze on you for some time, before she let out a relieved breath. Then her trademark smile returned, along with her cheeriness. 

”Thank God. Sheesh, (Name), don’t scare me like that!” she joked and lightly bumped your ribs with her elbow, eliciting a quiet chuckle from you. Right after that, a slightly playful glint appeared in her eyes and you didn’t like it, not one bit. 

”So... yesterday tired you out is what you said, huh?”

”Hanji, please - !”

”I guess there’s nothing to be surprised about. I bet Erwin was over the moon when he got paired up with you. I mean, he always did seem to fancy you.”

That made you stop. Blankly staring at Hanji, you weren’t sure if you heard her right. Politely asking her to repeat herself, she blinked at you, perplexed. 

”Oh, you don’t remember him?”

You narrowed your eyes at her with clear confusion. ”Remember him?” you repeated slowly.

”Hanji, I’ve never seen him in my entire life.”

”But you have,” she countered with a more convincing tone. ”Back in our university years,” she continued. 

”He was invited to quite a few parties and dance nights that we went to. I remember how much of a hassle it was too, because of him being a law student. You know, because of that whole rivalry that went on between medical and law students. Some of our boys didn’t see it right, that some law student would attend parties that were organized by and for medical students. But I guess they were just jealous of him, because he was quite popular with the female med students,” she finished with a chuckle. 

”Ah, and I guess because their baseball team beat ours almost every time. What was their name again, though...? The Scouting Legion or Survey Corps or something like that,” she dismissed it with a shrug, time not having been kind to her memories. 

All the while you stared ahead and tried to remember. Sure, you did recall those rowdy nights from your university years. It was a usual occurrence, in which you and your friends would go to dance nights and have some fun. But was Erwin Smith ever there...? Surely he wasn’t. With his eye-catching looks, you would have surely remembered him. 

When Hanji saw the conflicted look on your face, she shrugged and with a good humored smile added.

”Then again, you weren’t really into dating and boys at that time. Always buried your pretty little nose in a book or somesuch.”

You scoffed. ”Oh, because _you_ didn’t?”

She responded with a toothy grin and patted your shoulder. ”Sure, sure – but I did let myself take a peek here and there.”

At this, a very unladylike snort left your lips and you fought hard to keep your smile down. 

”Hanji, I’m pretty sure that admiring the male body in a completely studious and platonical way is anything but sexual interest,” you said, while slowly making your way to your station. Hanji followed, with a comical frown on her face. ”Aww, come on! There were so many guys with well rounded glutei maximi! You should have seen them!”

Your laugh reverberated throughout the hall. 

\---

Later you learned from Hanji that you didn’t miss anything special by being late. No one was admitted to the emergency room and your schedule was free from having to perform any serious surgeries today. You’d have been usually pretty cheery about this, since this was quite the rare occurrence; yet still, you found yourself to be just as vexed as you were before arriving at the hospital. For once you wished there to be a lot of work, so you could distract yourself and not go home. 

But there was another thing troubling your mind, as well. Something that you weren’t sure was merely your mind playing tricks on you. Since your arrival you had the feeling, that everyone else was behaving a bit strangely around you. ...Well, except for Hanji of course. 

The receptionist didn’t dare to meet your eye when you asked her to give you the list of patients from the EHR system and some of your coworkers seemed to outright steer clear of you when you happened to walk nearby. Even the Janitor, a usually very chatty man in his mid 60’s, answered with a rigid ’yes, maa’m’ when you kindly asked him to take a look at the heating device in your office. 

’How strange,’ you thought, watching him scurry away. Were you just imagining the whole thing? A frustrated sigh lifted your chest. This whole day was just a catastrophe after another. Your thoughts of melancholy were abruptly interrupted by your stomach. Feeling light headed, you realized with surprise that you were hungry. 

’Right, I haven’t eaten anything today.’

With a quick glance at your wristwatch, you concluded that it was an appropriate time to eat lunch, so you made your way to the tiny cantine not far from your office. Upon entering it, your eyes instantly fell on hazel eyes. Petra Ral gazed back at you with awkward surprise, as if your presence somehow made it inadequate for her to stay. You saw this by her slightly rising form from the only round coffee table in the small cubicle. 

”O-oh, Dr. (Lastname)!” she greeted you, while fumbling with her half eaten Sandwich. ”I was just about to go and check on our patient in room 240, but thought I’d grab a quick lunch before that.”

You narrowed your eyes, observing her. She was acting just like the others. Determined to find out the root of this, you casually made your way to the coffee machine and began to fix yourself a cup. 

”You don’t have to do that, Petra, I already checked,” you lied, your voice even and professional. ”Do you want one?” you asked, gesturing to the coffee grounds in your hand.

She looked uncertain, but seemed hesitant to say no, so she nodded and murmured a ’yeah, sure’ before sitting back down. Truth to be told, she looked like a lamb and acted as if you were a lion, ready to devour her. It was unusual, really, and only made you angrier. Even if you were her superior, the usually garrulous woman always acted friendly around you, and that’s how you usually preferred it. You knew her ever since her trainee days as a nurse, so it was clear to you by now, that something was up. Was it because people witnessed you and Erwin getting taken away...? 

”Umm, Dr.(Lastname)...,” Petra started quietly and you slightly turned around, signalling to her that you were listening. When she saw your expectant gaze, she bit her lip but braved on. 

”I just wanted to congratulate you.”

You opened your lips, for a moment unaware what she was on about. The sound of hot water boiling reached your ears, before you understood what she meant by that. You grabbed the handle of the machine and carefully poured the dark liquid in to the white, porcelain cup while quietly responding to Petra with a half-hearted ’thank you.’

About to fill the other cup, she spoke again, startling you. 

”You know, even if it didn’t come as a surprise that you’d be picked as a Primus,” she chuckled, but your ears picked up on the melancholy that underlined her cheery voice. You raised your eyebrows and turned around with both cups in your hand. She was forlornly staring at the table, her fingers absentmindedly following invisible patterns. 

Sitting across from her, you placed her cup on the table. ”Is that so? Because it sure as hell surprised me,” you answered and immediately bit your lip at the bitter way you said that. 

However, your companion didn’t seem to care nor notice, for she sat still, not touching her mug, before she shook her head with a shamefaced smile. 

”It’s just that... you were always so amazing. Always ahead of us. Always _better_ than us,” she whispered and brushed a lock of hair behind her ear. ”I guess it would be only natural that the Regent would allow you and Erwin to have a child.”

Her sudden confession rendered you silent, not aware that she thought so highly of you. Taken aback, you were pondering on how to respond, before her last sentence got processed by your brain. With growing uneasiness in your stomach, you wanted to ask her to explain herself, but she unawarely cut you off again. 

”Oluo and I... we,” she started, and your heart stopped for a minute when her voice began shaking. ”We always wanted to have children. We planned for one even before getting married.” The petite woman let out a breathy, shaky laugh and the first tear escaped her eye. ”I always imagined that we’d have at least two of ’em. Preferably a boy and a girl, but it doesn’t matter, because even one child from Oluo would be more than enough for me.”

Then, with a sigh, she raised her head and looked me clean in the eye. 

”But the Regent denied our request. Said we weren’t worthy enough.”

You held her gaze, suddenly turning pale. 

_A nightmare_ , your mind reminded you. This was just a bad nightmare. Soon you’d wake up and this madness will end. There is no way this was happening. 

Yet the painfully tense silence made it clear that it was very real. You caught the wispy steam of heat from the corner of your eyes, as it fled to the ceiling with elegant swirls from your mug. The sound of a telephone could be heard from somewhere afar. Someone’s steps were echoing in the hallway. You forced your dry lips to open. 

”Petra... I’m so - ”

Sorry? Disgusted? Ashamed? Really – just what could you have said to her when it wasn’t even your fault in the first place? 

Petra teared her cold gaze away from you, sniffling and trying to compose herself, but it was already too late. Spilling her heart only made her tears flow more, and soon enough she was crying. 

”It’s fine,” she hiccupped. ”It’s fine.”

Feeling helpless, you could only stare. With a dazed mind, you slowly stood up and went over to her. The mug of coffee was left forgotten, as she let you envelope her into a hug and put your hand on her dainty, shaking back. She let you do this, even though you sensed that she never hated anyone as much as she hated you right now. 

\--- 

A strange kind of fatigue overcame you by the end of the day. Something unfamiliar, something you were not used to. It was vastly different from the kind of exhaustion one would feel after a long day of work. And what surprised you the most was the fact how little you cared about it. 

Your legs carried you home in an unheedful way, not paying much attention to the traffic at crossroads. Everything faded into an ambient background noise. That’s why, when you finally reached the house, you didn’t notice the lamplight that spilled from the kitchen’s window on to the porch. Your fingertips touched the cold steel of your key in the messy interior of your bag, before raising it to the door handle. 

Your mind was still back in the hospital, and you hated how the scent of Petra’s shampoo clang to the collars of your blouse. Akin to a cruel mockery, it sat right under your nose, bringing back the rather disheartening scene from the cantine. Your eyes remained on the floor as you slowly shed your coat from your form and realized, without dread, that life was truly an abominable curse. 

Why even bother when you yourself have no say over your own life? Why have any laws when the Capitol decides everything? You weren’t familiar with acquiescence; prouding yourself on your headstrong personality and unrelenting will, yet for the first time, you found yourself resigning.

You silently stood staring at your shoes, when at least you picked up the light steps that approached from behind. Turning around, you were not surprised to find Erwin. He stood, keeping his distance from you and your face must have worn some rather indechipherable expression, for his fair eyes seemed to slightly narrow in confusion. 

”Good Evening,” he greeted you, his voice low and welcoming. With a gentle nod, you greeted him back, and you suddenly didn’t really know what to do. You dreaded this moment right after you woke up this morning, but having had been distracted with other things in the hospital, you simply hadn’t had the time to prepare yourself when it arrived. In order to break the awkwardness of it all, you bent down and slipped your feet out of your heeled shoes. Meanwhile, Erwin cleared his throat. 

”Are you hungry?”

You were. As your fingers lightly massaged the sore spots on your soles and ankles, you realized with mild surprise that you haven’t eaten all day. Straightening yourself up, you shortly wondered if you could even swallow anything after today’s ordeal. Still, you turned to Erwin and answered yes.

”I made dinner, if you’d like to try?” 

Your eyes widened. ”You know how to cook?”

”Is that so strange?” he asked, and a slight smile lifted the corners of his mouth. Your eyes tore away from his, looking somewhere to the side. ”No,” you answered carefully. ”I just never met a man who knows his way around the kitchen.”

A friendly chuckle left his lips. ”I am definitely no chef, but I do have some tricks up my sleeves.” 

You willed yourself to smile, but it ended up looking like a grimace, though Erwin thankfully didn’t seem to notice. Instead he gestured behind him, and you followed with your arms crossed in front of your chest. When you both stepped into the kitchen, the smell of something warm and delishous wafted trough the air. 

”I hope you like clam chowder,” said Erwin, as he stepped to the stove, showing you his cookery. You peered inside the pot and found that he made quite the decent job; from the sight of it at least. 

”You call this _some tricks_ , eh?” you questioned, good humored. ”You know, Mr. Smith: humility _can_ pass as arrogance.”

”Well, I never said it tasted good.”

You smiled. Looking around, you found the ladle and picked it up. From the corner of your eyes, you saw Erwin intently watch they way you dipped it into the pot and gave it an experimental taste. 

”Hmm, not bad,” you remarked. Erwin relaxed. Then he comically raised his hands to his forehead, acting as if he were wiping away beads of sweat. 

”Whew! Thought you were going to fall drop dead,” he quietly laughed and you couldn’t help but let out a giggle of your own, before you realized what you were doing and quieted down. You held your palm before your mouth and cleared your throat, trying to look as if you were willing down a cough.

”Sit down, then, and I will bring our plates,” you murmured, already reaching for the cupboards, not daring to look him in the eye. 

”Are you sure?”

”Of course,” you answered with a level voice. ”It’s the least I could do, after you having cooked dinner.”

You heard him retreat compliantly and sit down at the spacious dinner table. As you were arranging the table, you felt his gaze on your form. It unnerved you a bit and you’d have the mind to snap at him, if it weren’t for the solemn apathy that was growing stronger and stronger in your heart. 

_Because it wasn’t his fault_ , you realized. No matter how angry you got at him, it wasn’t his fault. And in lieu of everything, he was a true gentleman, trough and through. Really, he could have easily done anything to you, and it would have been classified as legal to boot. Yet, he showed nothing but understanding and patience. 

Looking at it from a different perspective, you realized, that he was just as much of a victim of this Program as you were. 

White, porcelain plates gently clinked against each other, as you turned around. A ghost of a smile crossed your lips, making the blond straighten himself in his seat.

”Is everything all right?”

”Yes.”

No words were exchanged later on. You both ate in silence.

\--- 

Night rolled by and the both of you were ready to sleep. Erwin helped you with washing the dishes, before he retreated in to the living room. That was the moment you used to slip into your bedroom, unnoticed. When you returned to the living room, Erwin was already about to take off his dress shirt. 

He stiffened at the sight of you, and your mouth opened in surprise, trying to avert your eyes from his well-trained chest. 

”I-I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to barge in,” you started, shame tickling your cheeks red. ”But I noticed that you didn’t have anything to cover yourself, so ... here,” you said and reached him a pillow with some blankets. The blond buttoned up his shirt somewhat, before stepping to you and accepting them. 

”Thank you.”

”There are also some clothes for you to sleep in, right under the pillow.”

He raised the pillow and sure enough, a baby blue silk shirt with matching pants was revealed. He sent you a smile with a raised brow. ”Did I do something nice to deserve all of this?” 

You glanced away, shame not leaving you. ”About that...,” you started again, fidgeting with your fingers. ”I wanted to apologize for my behaviour yesterday. I was acting really stupid and shameful.”

”There’s no need to apologize, Miss (Lastname),” he answered immediately. ”I understand you were anxious about this whole ordeal; it’s understandable.”

”Still, I... I shouldn’t have shouted at you like that,” you countered, softly. ”I hope you can forgive me.”

Erwin sent you a smile, his eyes shining with hidden gratitude. Even if he told you not to worry about it, it was clear that he greatly appreciated your apology. ”I was never mad at you, Miss (Lastname).”

”But that still doesn’t mean that I’m OK with all of this,” you immediately continued, pining him with a defiant glare. ”So please don’t get the wrong idea. I meant everything I said yesterday in the bedroom.”

Erwin nodded. ”Of course. I did, too,” he reminded you with a serious look in his eyes and turned back around to the couch, arranging his pillows and blankets. You lingered behind him, hastily thinking about something to say back, but nothing came to your mind. 

”Well then... I-I wish you a good night, Mr. Smith.”

”Good Night to you too, Miss (Lastname). May the Sandman bring you a nice dream.”  
You heard the smile in his voice and recognized the song he was reciting from the Chordettes.

Slightly confused, you left. 

\--- 

Hanji once told you about a way to kill oneself. 

You were brushing your teeth, staring at your own emotionless reflection as you recalled a specific memory from a while ago. It was an odd one, almost trivial, and you were quite unsure why you were remembering it. 

_”The best thing about it is the way how it leaves no trace whatsoever!”_ you still heard her chipper voice and found her attitude somewhat morbid in hindsight. Yet at the time, you stared at her in wide-eyed amazement. _”How is that even possible?”_

You were both in training at that time, and she was wearing a different kind of glasses. The way they gave her a more youthful look was deeply etched into your mind. _”Easy!”_ she replied with an unfathomable passion. _”You just take a syringe!”_

 _”A syringe...?”_

_”Yes, but it has to be empty!”_

Thinking that she was just playing a joke on you, you showed a wry smile. _”Yeah, right – is this one of your crazy theories again, Hanji? The Professor won’t be happy about it. You should use your time usefully and concentrate on your studies.”_

_”(Name), I’m telling you, it works!”_ she pressed on. _”I’m no candidate for suicide, but I guess if I knew someone, than I’d show you. ...Say, are **you** feeling well nowadays?”_

_”Hanji!”_

She laughed, pressing a hand to her stomach. _”Ahahaha...! I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”_

Then she calmed herself, but couldn’t will her devious smirk down. She truly looked mad in that moment. _”Look, I’ll tell you how it’s done,”_ she leaned closer. _”You just take a syringe, as I mentioned before, and fill it with air. Then you - ”_

Being finished with your brushing, you leaned over the sink and washed your mouth. The cold water sloshed around your teeth, before you spat it out. Meanwhile you were trying to remember where you had your bag and equipment. 

It was a special one, reserved for utmost emergencies, and it was fitting, you thought, as this was perhaps the most dire of situations you could have ever found yourself in. With no care in the world, you left your bathroom. 

’Of course’, you suddenly thought. Air embolism. When too much air gets into the venous system, death is certain. 

”Oh, Hanji,” you whispered to yourself. ”You really are a genius!”

\--- 

Someone was hyperventilating. 

You could hear their breathing, and they sounded very anxious, panicked even. 

”(Name)...!” 

He sounded familiar. Someone was shaking your shoulders. ”(Name), what happened!? Wake up!”ű

With a delirious smile, you opened your leaden eyelids and tried to focus your gaze on him. Erwin Smith was hovering above you, pale-faced and looking absolutely terrified. 

”Oh, Mr.Smith,” you croaked, the silly smile not leaving your lips. ”The Sandman really did come and he gave me a wonderful dream, just like you wish he would!”

”(Name), please,” he pleaded. ”What in Heavens did you do to yourself?!”

A low chuckle could be heard, somewhere low from your throat. ”I showed them, didn’t I? I sure showed them!” 

”(Name)...!”

”I’ll be dead like a rat, and _they_ will wonder how it came to be!” 

You felt the tall blond gingerly raise you to your bed, before leaving the bedroom with quick steps. A few moments passed, and you heard his muffled voice downstairs. He was speaking with someone. After that, you heard approaching steps and his warmth enveloped you once again.

”(Name), I called for help. Hanji will be here in a few minutes, so please just stay with me until then.”

Your answer came in you burying your nose in his neck and inhaling his scent. You didn’t know if it was residue cologne or soap, or just simply the perfect scent of the ever so perfect Erwin Smith, but you found it pleasant. 

”You dropped the Miss.”

”What?”

You chuckled. ”Nevermind.” Then you started again. ”Oh, Mr. Smith, I’m sure you’ll make a wonderful husband to someone someday. But that someone needs to be picked of their own volition.”

”(Name), listen to me. I - ” 

By now, you were hardly keeping your eyes open and his voice drifted in and out. In your half-awake state you recalled some vivid dreams of younger times. Your university years, and some parties. Of a young man, sharply dressed, with gorgeous blue eyes who kept stealing glances at you and how often you wondered aloud to Hanji why he did it, to which she always answered with an enigmatic smile. 

Then everything went black.


End file.
